I am not an Island

There are many statements which can be used to describe my life but this one has stood out the most over the past week: the Lord has blessed me with amazing friends and family and he uses them to show me his love every day. During the week and a half leading up to my appointment I was blessed to have a dear friend stay at my house who I could talk with and be quiet with. The evening after the appointment it was a group of these wonderful friends who took me out and helped me to remember that this diagnosis does not change who I am and who God has made me to be. I am still his child and these beautiful people in my life still love me and would do anything to support me on this journey.

This is life. We walk this path and we experience joy and sorrow but what really matters is who is there beside each of us during the different seasons. This became even more clear at the end of last week when I spoke with my dear friends who told me the news that they had lost their baby five months along in the pregnancy. My heart broke for them and I felt their pain as my own. They have been walking with me through my experiences and now it is my time to walk with them through their loss and sorrow.
The day after hearing the news I was over at their house when my friend looked at me and asked if I would come and spend a couple of days with her and her husband at a resort near by. Her husband would be working through the days down there and she did not want to be alone. As I write this I have just come home from spending two days and one night with them and while my heart is still heavy from the sorrow and pain, healing has begun for both of us because we were able to shed tears together and to share laughter together. Every day I am coming to realize more and more how precious relationships are especially when we find those who we can be our true selves with. Those who we can show our hearts to and they accept what they see. Those rare people who are willing to walk through the raw and ugly moments which life can sometimes bring our way. It is for all of my friends that I can say I live a blessed life.

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive,
and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born"
~Anais Nin

The Next Stage of the Journey

When I was 20 I went to see the doctor for what seemed to be a minor pain in my leg and what resulted was the discovery of a severe spinal problem which ended in years of pain and ultimately sugery. Through that experience I have become very atuned to the significance attached to different situations and how life-altering they may end up being. This past Friday was one such day, the day when I was scheduled to go and see the MS doctor in Vancouver. Even though I had had months to ponder the possible outcomes of this appointment the possible ramifications of this appointment were not lost on me but glaringly apparent. Sometimes ignorance can be bliss.

On the morning of the appointment as I drove into Vancouver with my mom, I was able to allow my thoughts to be distracted from what was to come by focusing on maneuvering my way through traffic. As we entered the building my stomach started doing little flips and it took a lot of silent prayer to keep myself calm. Unfortunately, sitting in the office waiting room looking through dated magazines and reading of the past adventures of Brad, Angelina and Jennifer Aniston could not distract me from what lay ahead. The seeming eternity finally came to an end when the receptionist said that I could go in and see the Doctor.

As I entered he was sitting behind his desk in front of a couple of windows with an amazing view of False Creek and the Burrard Street Bridge which seemed to bring a bit of peace into my soul. As I gave him my medical history and tried to answer his questions I felt eerily calm and a little detached. After getting all of the history that he was after he took me to the other room and went through what has now become a familiar examination to see whether I still have my balance, reflexes and feeling. Back in his office he started talking to me as if I had already been diagnosed and how to treat my MS and I had to stop him and explicitly ask him if he was formally diagnosing me with MS and the answer was "yes".

And so I have been formally diagnosed with MS. The Doctor has told me that every person responds very individually to the disease so how my body responds to it may be very different from how another perons response. He also told me that because my flare-ups have been relatively minor, have been far apart from each other and have healed themselves that this could be a good sign as to my future experiences with MS. He also said that he would not put me on medication at this time as my flare-ups have been too infrequent and not severe enough. Throughout this meeting I kept asking questions as a way to gain more clarity. I asked him about the fatigue that I constantly feel and he warned me that most people with MS find this the hardest thing to deal with and stop working due to the fatigue that they feel. He encouraged me to keep pushing through it while not allowing myself to become overly tired, I need to find that balance for myself and start implementing it. I also asked him about the problems that I have been having with my memory and word retrieval and whether there was something that I could do to help make it better. He unfortunately told me that it would be something that I would have to live with.

So that was the extent of our visit. He has told me that if I have any further problems that I should come in and see him but otherwise I should come back in a year for another check-up. Not necessarily the exact message I was wanting to hear but at least I know what I am dealing with. Better a known enemy than an unknown enemy.

At this point I am still feeling a little disconnected to the full meaning of the situation and have not really had a chance to process how I feel about it but I wanted to let you all know how the appointment had gone and I will post more later. Thanks so much for all of your prayers and words of encouragement, they have been, and continue to be, appreciated and felt.

Oh How Time Flies...

Well, I started this blog with such enthusiasm and then it seems that August took over and now it's been over a month since my last post. I apologize. The past month has been filled with many wonderful adventures, memories and laughter. From camping on Stave lake, a birthday getaway celebration to Whistler and visiting a good friend in Seattle the past month has been full to the brim. In and amongst these adventures work has beckoned me to fulfill my obligations as a full-time employee, yippee!
This has truly been a summer to remember. My goal was to embraced what life brought to me, to truly taste and experience every moment and I feel that I was as successful as I could be in reaching that goal. But I have found that by desiring to feel life more fully has not only increased my ability to experience complete joy in the little things but it has also helped me to articulate and understand the frustration and pain that I am feeling. While I have experienced one of my most memorable summers, the joy has been shadowed by the physical pain that I have experienced as my symptoms have increased and become more intense. Never have I experienced such tension between joy and sorrow as they try to co-exist with my life.
The most frustrating thing about dealing with these symptoms is that I have not known how to deal with them. My neurologist in Abbotsford referred me to the MS clinic in Vancouver already back in July and my appointment with the clinic is not until September so for the past couple of months I have felt like I've been riding out a storm without any paddles or understanding of how to deal with the storm. I am hoping that the neurologist in Vancouver will be able to help me find different techniques and treatments to help with my symptoms. A poem which has been an encouragement to me is Waiting by John Burroughs. Here it is below, enjoy.

WAITING

by: John Burroughs (1837-1921)

ERENE, I fold my hands and wait,

Nor care for wind, nor tide, nor sea;

I rave no more 'gainst time or fate,

For, lo! my own shall come to me.







I stay my haste, I make delays,

For what avails this eager pace?

I stand amid the eternal ways,

And what is mine shall know my face.







Asleep, awake, by night or day,

The friends I seek are seeking me;

No wind can drive my bark astray,

Nor change the tide of destiny.







What matter if I stand alone?

I wait with joy the coming years;

My heart shall reap where it hath sown,

And garner up its fruit of tears.







The waters know their own and draw

The brook that springs in yonder height;

So flows the good with equal law

Unto the soul of pure delight.







The stars come nightly to the sky;

The tidal wave unto the sea;

Nor time, nor space, nor deep, nor high,

Can keep my own away from me.