The Next Stage of the Journey

When I was 20 I went to see the doctor for what seemed to be a minor pain in my leg and what resulted was the discovery of a severe spinal problem which ended in years of pain and ultimately sugery. Through that experience I have become very atuned to the significance attached to different situations and how life-altering they may end up being. This past Friday was one such day, the day when I was scheduled to go and see the MS doctor in Vancouver. Even though I had had months to ponder the possible outcomes of this appointment the possible ramifications of this appointment were not lost on me but glaringly apparent. Sometimes ignorance can be bliss.

On the morning of the appointment as I drove into Vancouver with my mom, I was able to allow my thoughts to be distracted from what was to come by focusing on maneuvering my way through traffic. As we entered the building my stomach started doing little flips and it took a lot of silent prayer to keep myself calm. Unfortunately, sitting in the office waiting room looking through dated magazines and reading of the past adventures of Brad, Angelina and Jennifer Aniston could not distract me from what lay ahead. The seeming eternity finally came to an end when the receptionist said that I could go in and see the Doctor.

As I entered he was sitting behind his desk in front of a couple of windows with an amazing view of False Creek and the Burrard Street Bridge which seemed to bring a bit of peace into my soul. As I gave him my medical history and tried to answer his questions I felt eerily calm and a little detached. After getting all of the history that he was after he took me to the other room and went through what has now become a familiar examination to see whether I still have my balance, reflexes and feeling. Back in his office he started talking to me as if I had already been diagnosed and how to treat my MS and I had to stop him and explicitly ask him if he was formally diagnosing me with MS and the answer was "yes".

And so I have been formally diagnosed with MS. The Doctor has told me that every person responds very individually to the disease so how my body responds to it may be very different from how another perons response. He also told me that because my flare-ups have been relatively minor, have been far apart from each other and have healed themselves that this could be a good sign as to my future experiences with MS. He also said that he would not put me on medication at this time as my flare-ups have been too infrequent and not severe enough. Throughout this meeting I kept asking questions as a way to gain more clarity. I asked him about the fatigue that I constantly feel and he warned me that most people with MS find this the hardest thing to deal with and stop working due to the fatigue that they feel. He encouraged me to keep pushing through it while not allowing myself to become overly tired, I need to find that balance for myself and start implementing it. I also asked him about the problems that I have been having with my memory and word retrieval and whether there was something that I could do to help make it better. He unfortunately told me that it would be something that I would have to live with.

So that was the extent of our visit. He has told me that if I have any further problems that I should come in and see him but otherwise I should come back in a year for another check-up. Not necessarily the exact message I was wanting to hear but at least I know what I am dealing with. Better a known enemy than an unknown enemy.

At this point I am still feeling a little disconnected to the full meaning of the situation and have not really had a chance to process how I feel about it but I wanted to let you all know how the appointment had gone and I will post more later. Thanks so much for all of your prayers and words of encouragement, they have been, and continue to be, appreciated and felt.